77: Been Hurt and Love again

There's only one way to survive life. Shut down, or get hurt and die.

Heartbreak happens. When it does, I shut up and hid my true self away, behind a false exterior. Put a smile on my face like the princess in the tower, a prize to be admired, completely untouchable. I had a perfect facade until one day with no warning a man came into my life. The way he smile. His hilarious jokes. How he can annoy me one second, and make me feel like someone special the next. The way he says my name makes me get through life. I start catching myself looking his way more often, hoping he's looking at me too. Then I start getting nervous whenever I talk to him. His instant messages become more meaningful to me, even if I can't remember what he was talking about or if anything was important at all. I see his face everywhere, and I think about him more and more each day. Suddenly, the pieces start making sense and I realized, I fell uncontrollably and unconditionally in love. My walls fell down and I was completely unprepared and terrified.

I'm scared. I've been hurt, rejected and taken for granted. So I'm scared to death of being hurt again. Scared of getting attached and thrown to the side. Scared of falling harder. I had to stop myself before, but now I'm not strong enough and I know I can't do that anymore. Instead, I had to learn to see it for what it was - just stuck energy that I needed to release to be happy. I began taking baby steps everyday to openly reconnect. The boogie monster hidden under my bed could no longer frighten me. Gradually I worked to make peace with my past and forgive the mistakes and harm caused by others in my life. I learned to trust again.

I love you. I love not just because you're sweet or because you're handsome or because you're the one who saved me from that doom. I love you because you make me step outside my shell and look at who I really am. You make me want to be a better person, just because you are who you are. You let me be myself around you and see beauty in every imperfections I have. I can tell you absolutely everything and I know you will always listen. You make me happy and bring out the best in me. You make feel that I'm not just someone else's piece of crap but a person worthy to love. I love you because I love you.

I love you babe!